I used to think impotence was just about whether or not a dick could get hard. Not being in possession of one, I assumed it to be a word that would never apply to me.
It came to me in a dream that I had an impotence problem. Had I bothered to use my English language nerd brain I would have understood why. Im= not/no
Potent= power
Impotence is quite literally to be powerless. (That it’s used to describe a male body’s ability to sexually perform is a topic for another time.)
Since finding out I’m a manifestor in Human Design AND finding out that I’m a Wood in Five Elements philosophy, I’ve just had confirmation after confirmation that I’m basically full of BDE that has been just waiting to come out.
The resistance to this has been real. When it came time to finally root clear impotence, here’s what came up:
Sexual insecurity at age 3: I know I was already by this age hardcore into the programming of what it means to be a woman. Let’s just put it this way; fairy tale princesses are not the best role models.
Self-Righteousness at age 6: Me, knowing I was right about something, only to have the programming reaffirmed as the “right” thing to do by a family member.
Disloyalty at age 8: When my body started developing at this time, I definitely felt betrayed. I had to be an adult before I even hit double digits.
Programmed to be the perfect subservient woman only to have my body become a womanly one by age nine? NO WONDER I HAVE BEEN FEELING POWERLESS.
No wonder I very recently had a breakdown where I was forced to face head-to-head where I’ve been giving my power away.
And knowing that I had to do the hard thing and take it back. It required being honest with someone I feared letting down above all else. It required being open about what I can offer the world. It required being vulnerable like I never had before.
We don’t really have a template for what power means when it’s not over another. I know this is why so many of the people I work with, and clearly myself, fear stepping into power.
Because we know what it’s like to be oppressed and we don’t want to ever be the oppressor.
I’m coming to believe that vulnerability is part of the new power template. I’ll keep writing about what comes to me around this as it comes.
Comments