Earning Love

I remember the day my dad put Melody Beattie’s book 𝘊𝘰𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘕𝘰 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘦: 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘖𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘊𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 in my hands. ⁣

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I was 21 and had just come to live with him.⁣

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I had a chance to start over and create a brand new life.⁣

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But I wasn’t exactly ready to focus solely on my healing, and ended up creating a really full schedule for myself that enabled my avoidance.⁣

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I 𝘥𝘪𝘥, however, read this book.⁣

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Most of it went over my head because by my perception, I wasn’t trying to control anyone.⁣

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I believed I was the one others were trying to control.⁣

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And I was letting them.⁣

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I was unwilling to look at the ways in which my people pleasing behavior was an unconscious attempt at manipulating others.

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To earn and buy their love.⁣

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I’ve prided myself on being the people pleaser and the martyr, bending over backwards for every teacher, boss, and anyone I perceived as a “better” person than I am.⁣

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I even actually believed that I liked it!⁣

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Ouch.⁣

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I’m focused on my healing first and foremost now.⁣

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It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done for myself.⁣

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And it has been making all the difference in my life.